First steps

Today it's been two weeks since I quit. That may not sound revolutionary to you and it isn't really, it's by no means the first time or the longest period without drugs I've had. But when I think about it, it's been a year since I stayed clean this long.

The supply had run dry, completely dry. Actually I've been without weed for 17 days because the local dealer got busted. I couldn't find anything, anywhere. I went to bar after bar and all most had my ass kicked twice for asking the wrong people. I even went to a reggae concert without finding anything. Ok, I did find something and almost got in a fight with a Rastafarian because he said he wouldn't sell me any, because it must only be used for sacrament.

Having smoked what was in my keyboard and the residue inside my pipe, I was crawling around on my floor on the second day, looking for leftovers. At that point it became very difficult to convince myself that cannabis was to me like that fine glass of wine or a herbal remedy.

This is where I could start cursing again, maybe beat my self over the head with thoughts of all those wasted hours, people I let down and tasks I left unfinished. But that's exactly what kept me trapped in addiction to begin with. On Sunday, after getting drunk on the weekend, very drunk because I couldn't smoke, I armed myself with $20 and went to the park, looking for the somalis or the punk kids who're usually good for a lump of low-grade, but none the less effective, hashish.

Before going I had checked the Narcotics Anonymous meeting-list and there was a meeting just around the corner. On my way to get high I thought: Hell no and my legs changed direction for me. I remembered that AA serenity prayer, which had always seemed a bit annoying to me, but I tried exchanging the word "God" for "All Buddha's and Bodhisattvas" and I got instant goose bumps and a funny feeling in my stomach.
Now, I'm not saying I had a religious awakening or some sort of revelation, but I went to the meeting and was greeted with that beautiful, rare thing that is human warmth towards strangers.

After hugs and greetings, questions about my brand of addiction and lots of words of encouragement, I got my mandatory cup of coffee and the meeting began. I don't believe in all the AA/NA dogma, but if you scratch the surface of the twelve steps and traditions, there is some truth under it. As I hear it, it's all about accepting the state of affairs in your life, acknowledging the consequences of continuing down that path and to start being honest.
So I was and I've been to eight or nine meetings over the past two weeks.

My religion is one of doubt, I want to examine things, turn everything, including my beliefs upside down, shake them and see what comes out. I don't go to meetings for truth, a path or for enlightenment, I go for the stories, for the joy and anguish and for the amazing honesty and compassion of people who have been to hell and back. Many of them to a hell I can only begin to imagine.

I've decided to act rather than just contemplate, to be completely honest - though I'm not running around with a sign that says "I'm an addict" - and to remember that what I'm doing is all good and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.

And I've decided to be joyful and optimistic. Yeah. I can actually decide that. I've heard people speak of "positive thinking" for years, but no-one ever seemed to go much beyond the phrase itself.

What is positive thinking?

Well, in my understanding, it's thinking about what to do, instead of what not to do. If I focus on NOT taking drugs, it will take up a lot of time and space in my head and in my life and I don't think I'd feel good through the process. If I think about all the wonderful things I can achieve, how I can go from wrecking things  to constructing and caring for my existence and for other people, I will be looking for possibilities on how to evolve, not constantly focusing on the possible pitfalls.

Disclaimer: Is weed good or bad?

I'm 100% aware of all the pros and cons of cannabis and the all the evils of prohibition. There can be little debate that cannabis is a much, much safer drug than ethanol. I believe legalization and some form of control is the only way to go. Fining me or putting me in prison would have done nothing for my addiction, it would only have forced me to become a real criminal.
Without prohibition of cannabis, I don't believe I would have ever used harder drugs, which I did in the distant past, with out getting addicted I might add, but at considerable cost to my sanity and relationships.

I do think the opposite position of the official one is hopelessly naive too. Some people like to postulate that weed is harmless and that you cannot become addicted to it. I beg to differ. But if you can use weed every day and feel great or if you feel fine smoking it every now and then, I'm all for that. It just doesn't work that way for me. In my experience there are some subtle, but very detrimental long-term effects of cannabis.

Maybe you have to smoke lots and lots for extended periods to feel them. That's what I did. And it did actually cause me to become asocial, aggressive, paranoid and afraid of everything. Of course, that may be partly caused by me spending so much time high that I couldn't deal with the challenges of life and allowed them to become problems. The damages of excessive drug use are probably as complex as we are as humans.

I'm going to spend the rest of my Sunday with one of the things I have that I'm infinitely grateful for: my family. Come to think of it, I have so much to be grateful for. I'm going to be focusing on that.

In my next post I'll outline my goals over the next couple of months and how I'll go about achieving them. I'll solicit the help of some of the finest doers of humanity.