Plan B

First of all: Thank you!

I've been overwhelmed by the generally positive response and words of advice and encouragement. That truly means a lot. Being able to spill my guts here and formulate in writing the thoughts in my head and hopes for the future is a big help. Sharing it and having you listen is a privilege.

Planning and goal-setting
For me to plot a course and anticipate any obstacles in my path, I need to know where I'm going. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow, but if I'm going to spend today in a constructive way, I need to have my priorities straight.
Really I just want to feel good about me and about life - and to leave the world just a tiny bit better than I found it. If I can do that, I can die with a smile on my face (easy to say, harder to practice).
I need more concrete goals than that. Where do I need to go in the immediate future?

I said I'd solicit the help of the finest doers of humanity, so I've been watching TED Talks, reading Buddhism, existentialism and pretty much everything on the first two result-pages for the term "goal setting" on Google. Yeah I know, I'm a product of my time.

Realistic, but ambitious goals will help me focus my efforts and see possibilities I might have missed. The process of setting them will require me to consider what I actually want. I've done one thing that's generally not recommended in setting goals and that is setting a negative goal.  To remain abstinent. I've formulated my first goal in a different way though:

1. Remain free from the influence of any mind-altering substance.

The danger of defining a goal that way is that it's a goal that cannot be reached. It's like quitting cigarettes. When do you become a non-smoker? Well, when you die, never having smoked again, I guess. That's a pretty bleak success-criterion, right? So my goal is not just to not take alcohol, cannabis or other drugs again, but to change the mindset, that I need stimulants, depressants or relaxants to enjoy myself. Just today, I'm not going to take anything. And I'm the only one who can revert that decision, so I'm very optimistic about sticking to my first goal or objective.

My second goal is all about repairing any physical damage I've done to my body. It's worth noting, that the whole idea that mind and body are separate is not really rooted in science but in the ramblings of Descartes, who may have been right about many things, but fatally wrong about the nature of the human mind and body.

In eastern medicine depression, for instance, is considered a physical ailment. In Tibetan medicine and within Buddhism the mind if thought to reside in the heart and Aristotle thought the brain was merely a radiator for excess heat. Now, those are oversimplifications too, but the fact remains, that whatever goes on in the body, affects the brain and vice versa.

Repairing my body and repairing my mind are two aspects of the same thing. It's also worth noting, that no perfection is possible in this regard. It's a part of the human condition. That's not a good reason to kill oneself with poor decisions, whether they involve drugs, food or a sedentary lifestyle. Seeing as we have limitless potential, we might as well do what we can.

It's aptly put in the serenity prayer that most of us probably connect with Alcoholics Anonymous:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

I think it's beautiful, even though I don't believe in any god. It really serves to make me focus on that which is important and place less emphasis on things that are out of my control. It's not a particularly Christian thing either. His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama says something similar:

If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.

My problem is that I have convinced myself over and over again that I'm powerless, maybe that's served as an excuse to not do anything. The truth is, that I can do a lot. But I have to start somewhere.

One problem for me has always been underweight and it has required considerable effort in the past for me to break the 165 lbs barrier. For me gaining weight will be a sign of health, provided it's the right kind of weight, put on using the right kind of exercise and a healthy diet. So I've set one goal, with one mile-stone.

2. Start repairing the damage to my body: Go from 141 lbs today to 155 lbs before new years and to reach a 165 lbs before march 1st.

Now that's a fairly realistic goal, but in my case it takes quite a bit of work. I need to consume upwards of 3000 calories per day to see real gains. That's a lot of food, especially for a 98% vegetarian as I am. I do enjoy having meat every now and then, but going for the national average of almost 14 ounces a day would not only be a ticket to my early grave, it'd also conflict with my beliefs about taking care of other living creatures and the world as a whole. And since meat is an addiction I already dealt with, I see no reason to unleash it again. I'm happy with the little meat I get when I go out.

Eating without exercise will not produce the desired result, so working out is absolutely essential. Having spent months doing almost nothing physical, except running up my stairs to the fourth floor a few times per day, has left me pretty weak. That means I need to start out slow to avoid injuries.

Since I stopped smoking weed I've been bursting with energy, so I've been walking around 4 miles every day, which is the easiest way to get started. I plan to start working out at the local gym with a friend the coming monday. I'll share the program, which is a pretty straight forward workout focusing on compound lifts and body-weight exercises. Having gained 30lbs in 4 months back in 2006, and then lost it all again through after going back to drinking and smoking in late 2007, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me.

The effects of alcohol
Drinking too much has a lot of harmful effects on the body. Alcohol is, as far as I can find out, the only drug that is soluble in both fat and water, which allows it to spread throughout the body very easily. This is probably one of the reasons why it is harmful to almost every organ. Also, alcohol is not very active, we need large quantities to feel any effects, 5 beers contain 60 grams of ethanol and wont even get you really drunk. In comparison, only 10 mg of THC is needed to produce a maximum effect.
The ethanol molecule is small which allows it to easily pass through the blood-brain barrier; another reason why it's so harmful.

That we can survive taking in large amounts of a potent organic solvent, goes to show how amazing the human body is and what it is capable of coping with.
Another problem with taking ethanol is that it changes the composition of cell-membranes, making them more fluid, affecting the transport of compounds in and out of the cell as well as the action of receptor-sites.

I'm writing this mostly to remind myself not to take any drug and not to believe that alcohol is different from the rest. I cannot handle any drugs. It's important to note, that the biological effects I get into do not apply to infrequent use.

If you're interested in knowing more about the effects of alcohol on the body, I suggest the article on wikipedia.


Those are the two goals I'm focusing on right now. Staying off the shit, eating my brown rice and dal and getting some exercise. Apart from that, I'm looking for a job. There aren't a lot to be found right now, but I'm getting a few freelance photography gigs from time to time, I'm lucky enough to be able too sell my cooking skills and make a buck helping out people who have computer problems. All in all, I'm slowly working towards that larger goal: independence and never having a day job again. Ahh. Freedom!