Somehow it still took me almost two years to get fired - spectacularly fired. I cannot say I felt bad about it at all. Didn't really feel anything. I only took the job because I was too lazy and stoned to do the things I really want.
That was in April.
I proceeded to waste most of another lovely summer and a considerable amount of money on weed, alcohol and loose women.
- Ok, it was not completely wasted, but not spent in the most constructive way imaginable either.
Ten days ago, I decided to try something else. Not knowing exactly what that something else was, I had to ask myself that universal question: What do I want?
The answer may be boring - it's what everyone wants: Love, a little security and the freedom not to spend the rest of my life staring at a glowing rectangle day in and day out. One can only spend so much time explaining where the start button is and why IE6 is no longer supported.
I want a life, one that makes a little sense. You know, to be someone for other people and actually make myself proud from time to time.
It turns out that what I want takes effort to get. A lot of effort. Fortunately, it seems that doing what I really want is much more gratifying than following my whims and lower instincts. The question is: Can I keep that spirit? I'm sure as hell going to try!
So where do I start?
First obstacle: Getting drunk and high.
I have had this debate with myself a few times. I've always partied too hard, and yet I never really had fun getting drunk or high. Nor do I think the people around me had fun watching it.
I was distracted from the things that mattered the most to me: Every girlfriend I ever loved, every job I ever held and every education I was ever fortunate enough to be accepted into.
F*ck.
That was when I realized that my name is Christian and I'm an addict. Or at least someone who destroys all the good things in life with drugs and alcohol. That is a sound definition of an addict, right? This is where I ended the debate and decided to quit.
That was ten days ago.
I feel great now and I have from the first day. For the first time in months, I feel free. Apart from a few sleepless nights and just one angry outburst, I have been spared the worst withdrawal pangs.
I don't mean to preach. I'm sure you're part of the lucky majority that handles alcohol and the occational spliff without a hitch. If so, more power to you.
I'm not. Things seem to turn to sh*t when I get high and/or drunk.
This is my story. The story of a scrawny, pale, weed-smoking, couch-hugging underachiever changing into something else.
I invite you to follow me on my journey. I cannot tell you what lies ahead, but I promise you:
- Honesty.
- Openness.
- Dedication. Hard work.
- Humor. Dark humor, insane humor, bad humor, encouraging humor.
- Adventures. Lots of adventures.
I welcome you to share your thoughts, experiences and ideas with me. I'll answer any questions - though I cannot guarantee the answer will not be "none of your business".
My next post will be on how I made the final decision to quit, how I did it and how I'm doing it day by day, keeping the promise to myself. I'm not really considering failure an option, but I'm very aware of the dangers and pitfalls and consequences of going back to active addiction: oblivion.
In my coming posts I will focus on a few realistic, although ambitious goals, and how I'm going about achieving them. I'll tell you all about me and get into topics such as spirituality, diet, exercise, the science of drugs and addiction and public policy. Later I'll get into my hobbies and professional life: Photography, journalism, world affairs, philosophy, science and religious studies.
I can't begin to describe the optimism and drive I feel right now. And it's all genuine, no drugs, no medication. Just the feeling of having a crushing weight lifted from my shoulders: I don't have to wonder whether or not I should quit drugs and alcohol. I've made my decision.
Finally I can start living without the ball and chain that is addiction.
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