Rebel on the road

Ah, dearest readers. I've been neglecting you!

I've had the good fortune and karma to spend the past week at a Buddhist retreat center about an hour from where I live. Over the weekend I've been privileged to listen to a great Tibetan master expounding the Heart Sutra in the most skillful way.

What drew me to Buddhism in the beginning was first of all that I got goosebumps saying mantras and prayers, but also our western idea of what it's all about: sitting on a pillow, smiling, being compassionate and feeling. In the beginning most of us ignore the more apparently unpleasant truths dished out in the Dharma.

The four noble truths are not really a good sales pitch. Basically they say: You're ignorant of reality, therefore you suffer. That's pretty harsh.

I found that for me there's an immense openness in acknowledging the basics of human existence. It puts thing in perspective to remind oneself of the fact that everyone suffers and everyone dies. We're really united by those basics of life. And why get upset over things that are bound to happen? Why waste time trying to change that which is inevitable?

Our teacher said something else I thought was very profound. He was asked what the difference between physical pain and suffering is. The answer seemed amazing in it's simplicity:
- "Physical pain is when it hurts, suffering is when you hate the pain".

I've had a shitload of bad things happen lately, my knee's busted, my mom had a stroke, my dad's drinking again, my flatmates are being a pain, I have no money, actually I have less than no money, no girlfriend, haven't had sex since April and yeah, all in all, there's a lot of shit I could be upset or depressed about.

Why would I want do something stupid like that though? Do I really need to compound minor problems or setbacks with the suffering of feeling bad about it?

We usually operate within tight cultural boundaries of how we should react to certain life-events. Why do we need to be sad when someone dies? Or when we lose our job? Or the girlfriend leaves? We don't!
We have little direct control over the outside world, what's very much under our control, is how we relate to what happens.

Difficulties in life are an excellent opportunity to develop, spiritually or otherwise. Being a buddhist, it's a good time for me to develop compassion with others and to chip away at my ego. But you don't need to be a buddhist to change to use difficulties for positive change.

It's when our current world-view and especially the view of ourselves is challenged and breaks down, that we're really able to change in profound ways. It's dawning on me how much of a non-solution anti-depressants are. 
What if depression is just our brains and bodies telling us what we refuse to deduce with our rational minds: "You're the problem, not everything and everyone else. Change the way you relate to things, change your situation, change your mind".

One thing a Dharma practitioner can use his own suffering for, is to develop bodhicitta.

Pema Chödron describes Bodhicitta in a beautiful way:
An analogy for bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic; sometimes to anger, resentment and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we're arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.

Yours truly is growing old and soft. And it's not so bad. Actually, it feels pretty good.

And life is good without weed. I'm still testing positive after 36 days of abstinence though.