Ah, dearest readers. I've been neglecting you!
I've had the good fortune and karma to spend the past week at a Buddhist retreat center about an hour from where I live. Over the weekend I've been privileged to listen to a great Tibetan master expounding the Heart Sutra in the most skillful way.
What drew me to Buddhism in the beginning was first of all that I got goosebumps saying mantras and prayers, but also our western idea of what it's all about: sitting on a pillow, smiling, being compassionate and feeling. In the beginning most of us ignore the more apparently unpleasant truths dished out in the Dharma.
The four noble truths are not really a good sales pitch. Basically they say: You're ignorant of reality, therefore you suffer. That's pretty harsh.
I found that for me there's an immense openness in acknowledging the basics of human existence. It puts thing in perspective to remind oneself of the fact that everyone suffers and everyone dies. We're really united by those basics of life. And why get upset over things that are bound to happen? Why waste time trying to change that which is inevitable?
Our teacher said something else I thought was very profound. He was asked what the difference between physical pain and suffering is. The answer seemed amazing in it's simplicity:
- "Physical pain is when it hurts, suffering is when you hate the pain".
I've had a shitload of bad things happen lately, my knee's busted, my mom had a stroke, my dad's drinking again, my flatmates are being a pain, I have no money, actually I have less than no money, no girlfriend, haven't had sex since April and yeah, all in all, there's a lot of shit I could be upset or depressed about.
Why would I want do something stupid like that though? Do I really need to compound minor problems or setbacks with the suffering of feeling bad about it?
We usually operate within tight cultural boundaries of how we should react to certain life-events. Why do we need to be sad when someone dies? Or when we lose our job? Or the girlfriend leaves? We don't!
We have little direct control over the outside world, what's very much under our control, is how we relate to what happens.
Difficulties in life are an excellent opportunity to develop, spiritually or otherwise. Being a buddhist, it's a good time for me to develop compassion with others and to chip away at my ego. But you don't need to be a buddhist to change to use difficulties for positive change.
It's when our current world-view and especially the view of ourselves is challenged and breaks down, that we're really able to change in profound ways. It's dawning on me how much of a non-solution anti-depressants are.
What if depression is just our brains and bodies telling us what we refuse to deduce with our rational minds: "You're the problem, not everything and everyone else. Change the way you relate to things, change your situation, change your mind".
One thing a Dharma practitioner can use his own suffering for, is to develop bodhicitta.
Pema Chödron describes Bodhicitta in a beautiful way:
An analogy for bodhichitta is the rawness of a broken heart. Sometimes this broken heart gives birth to anxiety and panic; sometimes to anger, resentment and blame. But under the hardness of that armor there is the tenderness of genuine sadness. This is our link with all those who have ever loved. This genuine heart of sadness can teach us great compassion. It can humble us when we're arrogant and soften us when we are unkind. It awakens us when we prefer to sleep and pierces through our indifference. This continual ache of the heart is a blessing that when accepted fully can be shared with all.
Yours truly is growing old and soft. And it's not so bad. Actually, it feels pretty good.
And life is good without weed. I'm still testing positive after 36 days of abstinence though.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
THC in the body
Wrong.
A friend of mine is required to take regular drug-tests, in defiance she's been stealing a stack of drug test whenever she had the chance. I know, it's not really that much of a rebellion, but she gave me 10 drug tests, and I might as well use them for something constructive.
As the picture shows, I'm still testing positive after 25 days of abstinence.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Hungry, happy, sleepy.
Ahh. Laughing's good for you!
I used to feel convinced Katt Williams' description of weed was accurate. It's funny as hell, that's for sure. He's also correct in his observation, that it's not a drug like the rest of them.
In my case the effects have changed with regular use though. I lost my appetite, became depressed and stayed up half the night.
It was certainly not making me hungry, happy or sleepy.
Now that I've quit, I find that I have a huge appetite, I sleep like a baby and I feel optimistic, happy and energetic most of the time.
It's true that an occasional spliff will make you laugh and have a good time, but it's a bad joke that smoking all the time will. When was the last time you met a truly happy pot-head?
I used to feel convinced Katt Williams' description of weed was accurate. It's funny as hell, that's for sure. He's also correct in his observation, that it's not a drug like the rest of them.
In my case the effects have changed with regular use though. I lost my appetite, became depressed and stayed up half the night.
It was certainly not making me hungry, happy or sleepy.
Now that I've quit, I find that I have a huge appetite, I sleep like a baby and I feel optimistic, happy and energetic most of the time.
It's true that an occasional spliff will make you laugh and have a good time, but it's a bad joke that smoking all the time will. When was the last time you met a truly happy pot-head?
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Plan B
First of all: Thank you!
I've been overwhelmed by the generally positive response and words of advice and encouragement. That truly means a lot. Being able to spill my guts here and formulate in writing the thoughts in my head and hopes for the future is a big help. Sharing it and having you listen is a privilege.
Planning and goal-setting
For me to plot a course and anticipate any obstacles in my path, I need to know where I'm going. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow, but if I'm going to spend today in a constructive way, I need to have my priorities straight.
Really I just want to feel good about me and about life - and to leave the world just a tiny bit better than I found it. If I can do that, I can die with a smile on my face (easy to say, harder to practice).
I need more concrete goals than that. Where do I need to go in the immediate future?
I said I'd solicit the help of the finest doers of humanity, so I've been watching TED Talks, reading Buddhism, existentialism and pretty much everything on the first two result-pages for the term "goal setting" on Google. Yeah I know, I'm a product of my time.
Realistic, but ambitious goals will help me focus my efforts and see possibilities I might have missed. The process of setting them will require me to consider what I actually want. I've done one thing that's generally not recommended in setting goals and that is setting a negative goal. To remain abstinent. I've formulated my first goal in a different way though:
1. Remain free from the influence of any mind-altering substance.
The danger of defining a goal that way is that it's a goal that cannot be reached. It's like quitting cigarettes. When do you become a non-smoker? Well, when you die, never having smoked again, I guess. That's a pretty bleak success-criterion, right? So my goal is not just to not take alcohol, cannabis or other drugs again, but to change the mindset, that I need stimulants, depressants or relaxants to enjoy myself. Just today, I'm not going to take anything. And I'm the only one who can revert that decision, so I'm very optimistic about sticking to my first goal or objective.
My second goal is all about repairing any physical damage I've done to my body. It's worth noting, that the whole idea that mind and body are separate is not really rooted in science but in the ramblings of Descartes, who may have been right about many things, but fatally wrong about the nature of the human mind and body.
In eastern medicine depression, for instance, is considered a physical ailment. In Tibetan medicine and within Buddhism the mind if thought to reside in the heart and Aristotle thought the brain was merely a radiator for excess heat. Now, those are oversimplifications too, but the fact remains, that whatever goes on in the body, affects the brain and vice versa.
Repairing my body and repairing my mind are two aspects of the same thing. It's also worth noting, that no perfection is possible in this regard. It's a part of the human condition. That's not a good reason to kill oneself with poor decisions, whether they involve drugs, food or a sedentary lifestyle. Seeing as we have limitless potential, we might as well do what we can.
It's aptly put in the serenity prayer that most of us probably connect with Alcoholics Anonymous:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think it's beautiful, even though I don't believe in any god. It really serves to make me focus on that which is important and place less emphasis on things that are out of my control. It's not a particularly Christian thing either. His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama says something similar:
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.
My problem is that I have convinced myself over and over again that I'm powerless, maybe that's served as an excuse to not do anything. The truth is, that I can do a lot. But I have to start somewhere.
One problem for me has always been underweight and it has required considerable effort in the past for me to break the 165 lbs barrier. For me gaining weight will be a sign of health, provided it's the right kind of weight, put on using the right kind of exercise and a healthy diet. So I've set one goal, with one mile-stone.
2. Start repairing the damage to my body: Go from 141 lbs today to 155 lbs before new years and to reach a 165 lbs before march 1st.
Now that's a fairly realistic goal, but in my case it takes quite a bit of work. I need to consume upwards of 3000 calories per day to see real gains. That's a lot of food, especially for a 98% vegetarian as I am. I do enjoy having meat every now and then, but going for the national average of almost 14 ounces a day would not only be a ticket to my early grave, it'd also conflict with my beliefs about taking care of other living creatures and the world as a whole. And since meat is an addiction I already dealt with, I see no reason to unleash it again. I'm happy with the little meat I get when I go out.
Eating without exercise will not produce the desired result, so working out is absolutely essential. Having spent months doing almost nothing physical, except running up my stairs to the fourth floor a few times per day, has left me pretty weak. That means I need to start out slow to avoid injuries.
Since I stopped smoking weed I've been bursting with energy, so I've been walking around 4 miles every day, which is the easiest way to get started. I plan to start working out at the local gym with a friend the coming monday. I'll share the program, which is a pretty straight forward workout focusing on compound lifts and body-weight exercises. Having gained 30lbs in 4 months back in 2006, and then lost it all again through after going back to drinking and smoking in late 2007, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me.
The effects of alcohol
Drinking too much has a lot of harmful effects on the body. Alcohol is, as far as I can find out, the only drug that is soluble in both fat and water, which allows it to spread throughout the body very easily. This is probably one of the reasons why it is harmful to almost every organ. Also, alcohol is not very active, we need large quantities to feel any effects, 5 beers contain 60 grams of ethanol and wont even get you really drunk. In comparison, only 10 mg of THC is needed to produce a maximum effect.
The ethanol molecule is small which allows it to easily pass through the blood-brain barrier; another reason why it's so harmful.
That we can survive taking in large amounts of a potent organic solvent, goes to show how amazing the human body is and what it is capable of coping with.
Another problem with taking ethanol is that it changes the composition of cell-membranes, making them more fluid, affecting the transport of compounds in and out of the cell as well as the action of receptor-sites.
I'm writing this mostly to remind myself not to take any drug and not to believe that alcohol is different from the rest. I cannot handle any drugs. It's important to note, that the biological effects I get into do not apply to infrequent use.
If you're interested in knowing more about the effects of alcohol on the body, I suggest the article on wikipedia.
Those are the two goals I'm focusing on right now. Staying off the shit, eating my brown rice and dal and getting some exercise. Apart from that, I'm looking for a job. There aren't a lot to be found right now, but I'm getting a few freelance photography gigs from time to time, I'm lucky enough to be able too sell my cooking skills and make a buck helping out people who have computer problems. All in all, I'm slowly working towards that larger goal: independence and never having a day job again. Ahh. Freedom!
I've been overwhelmed by the generally positive response and words of advice and encouragement. That truly means a lot. Being able to spill my guts here and formulate in writing the thoughts in my head and hopes for the future is a big help. Sharing it and having you listen is a privilege.
Planning and goal-setting
For me to plot a course and anticipate any obstacles in my path, I need to know where I'm going. I don't know if I'll be here tomorrow, but if I'm going to spend today in a constructive way, I need to have my priorities straight.
Really I just want to feel good about me and about life - and to leave the world just a tiny bit better than I found it. If I can do that, I can die with a smile on my face (easy to say, harder to practice).
I need more concrete goals than that. Where do I need to go in the immediate future?
I said I'd solicit the help of the finest doers of humanity, so I've been watching TED Talks, reading Buddhism, existentialism and pretty much everything on the first two result-pages for the term "goal setting" on Google. Yeah I know, I'm a product of my time.
Realistic, but ambitious goals will help me focus my efforts and see possibilities I might have missed. The process of setting them will require me to consider what I actually want. I've done one thing that's generally not recommended in setting goals and that is setting a negative goal. To remain abstinent. I've formulated my first goal in a different way though:
1. Remain free from the influence of any mind-altering substance.
The danger of defining a goal that way is that it's a goal that cannot be reached. It's like quitting cigarettes. When do you become a non-smoker? Well, when you die, never having smoked again, I guess. That's a pretty bleak success-criterion, right? So my goal is not just to not take alcohol, cannabis or other drugs again, but to change the mindset, that I need stimulants, depressants or relaxants to enjoy myself. Just today, I'm not going to take anything. And I'm the only one who can revert that decision, so I'm very optimistic about sticking to my first goal or objective.
My second goal is all about repairing any physical damage I've done to my body. It's worth noting, that the whole idea that mind and body are separate is not really rooted in science but in the ramblings of Descartes, who may have been right about many things, but fatally wrong about the nature of the human mind and body.
In eastern medicine depression, for instance, is considered a physical ailment. In Tibetan medicine and within Buddhism the mind if thought to reside in the heart and Aristotle thought the brain was merely a radiator for excess heat. Now, those are oversimplifications too, but the fact remains, that whatever goes on in the body, affects the brain and vice versa.
Repairing my body and repairing my mind are two aspects of the same thing. It's also worth noting, that no perfection is possible in this regard. It's a part of the human condition. That's not a good reason to kill oneself with poor decisions, whether they involve drugs, food or a sedentary lifestyle. Seeing as we have limitless potential, we might as well do what we can.
It's aptly put in the serenity prayer that most of us probably connect with Alcoholics Anonymous:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
I think it's beautiful, even though I don't believe in any god. It really serves to make me focus on that which is important and place less emphasis on things that are out of my control. It's not a particularly Christian thing either. His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama says something similar:
If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.
My problem is that I have convinced myself over and over again that I'm powerless, maybe that's served as an excuse to not do anything. The truth is, that I can do a lot. But I have to start somewhere.
One problem for me has always been underweight and it has required considerable effort in the past for me to break the 165 lbs barrier. For me gaining weight will be a sign of health, provided it's the right kind of weight, put on using the right kind of exercise and a healthy diet. So I've set one goal, with one mile-stone.
2. Start repairing the damage to my body: Go from 141 lbs today to 155 lbs before new years and to reach a 165 lbs before march 1st.
Now that's a fairly realistic goal, but in my case it takes quite a bit of work. I need to consume upwards of 3000 calories per day to see real gains. That's a lot of food, especially for a 98% vegetarian as I am. I do enjoy having meat every now and then, but going for the national average of almost 14 ounces a day would not only be a ticket to my early grave, it'd also conflict with my beliefs about taking care of other living creatures and the world as a whole. And since meat is an addiction I already dealt with, I see no reason to unleash it again. I'm happy with the little meat I get when I go out.
Eating without exercise will not produce the desired result, so working out is absolutely essential. Having spent months doing almost nothing physical, except running up my stairs to the fourth floor a few times per day, has left me pretty weak. That means I need to start out slow to avoid injuries.
Since I stopped smoking weed I've been bursting with energy, so I've been walking around 4 miles every day, which is the easiest way to get started. I plan to start working out at the local gym with a friend the coming monday. I'll share the program, which is a pretty straight forward workout focusing on compound lifts and body-weight exercises. Having gained 30lbs in 4 months back in 2006, and then lost it all again through after going back to drinking and smoking in late 2007, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me.
The effects of alcohol
Drinking too much has a lot of harmful effects on the body. Alcohol is, as far as I can find out, the only drug that is soluble in both fat and water, which allows it to spread throughout the body very easily. This is probably one of the reasons why it is harmful to almost every organ. Also, alcohol is not very active, we need large quantities to feel any effects, 5 beers contain 60 grams of ethanol and wont even get you really drunk. In comparison, only 10 mg of THC is needed to produce a maximum effect.
The ethanol molecule is small which allows it to easily pass through the blood-brain barrier; another reason why it's so harmful.
That we can survive taking in large amounts of a potent organic solvent, goes to show how amazing the human body is and what it is capable of coping with.
Another problem with taking ethanol is that it changes the composition of cell-membranes, making them more fluid, affecting the transport of compounds in and out of the cell as well as the action of receptor-sites.
I'm writing this mostly to remind myself not to take any drug and not to believe that alcohol is different from the rest. I cannot handle any drugs. It's important to note, that the biological effects I get into do not apply to infrequent use.
If you're interested in knowing more about the effects of alcohol on the body, I suggest the article on wikipedia.
Those are the two goals I'm focusing on right now. Staying off the shit, eating my brown rice and dal and getting some exercise. Apart from that, I'm looking for a job. There aren't a lot to be found right now, but I'm getting a few freelance photography gigs from time to time, I'm lucky enough to be able too sell my cooking skills and make a buck helping out people who have computer problems. All in all, I'm slowly working towards that larger goal: independence and never having a day job again. Ahh. Freedom!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
First steps
Today it's been two weeks since I quit. That may not sound revolutionary to you and it isn't really, it's by no means the first time or the longest period without drugs I've had. But when I think about it, it's been a year since I stayed clean this long.
The supply had run dry, completely dry. Actually I've been without weed for 17 days because the local dealer got busted. I couldn't find anything, anywhere. I went to bar after bar and all most had my ass kicked twice for asking the wrong people. I even went to a reggae concert without finding anything. Ok, I did find something and almost got in a fight with a Rastafarian because he said he wouldn't sell me any, because it must only be used for sacrament.
Having smoked what was in my keyboard and the residue inside my pipe, I was crawling around on my floor on the second day, looking for leftovers. At that point it became very difficult to convince myself that cannabis was to me like that fine glass of wine or a herbal remedy.
This is where I could start cursing again, maybe beat my self over the head with thoughts of all those wasted hours, people I let down and tasks I left unfinished. But that's exactly what kept me trapped in addiction to begin with. On Sunday, after getting drunk on the weekend, very drunk because I couldn't smoke, I armed myself with $20 and went to the park, looking for the somalis or the punk kids who're usually good for a lump of low-grade, but none the less effective, hashish.
Before going I had checked the Narcotics Anonymous meeting-list and there was a meeting just around the corner. On my way to get high I thought: Hell no and my legs changed direction for me. I remembered that AA serenity prayer, which had always seemed a bit annoying to me, but I tried exchanging the word "God" for "All Buddha's and Bodhisattvas" and I got instant goose bumps and a funny feeling in my stomach.
Now, I'm not saying I had a religious awakening or some sort of revelation, but I went to the meeting and was greeted with that beautiful, rare thing that is human warmth towards strangers.
After hugs and greetings, questions about my brand of addiction and lots of words of encouragement, I got my mandatory cup of coffee and the meeting began. I don't believe in all the AA/NA dogma, but if you scratch the surface of the twelve steps and traditions, there is some truth under it. As I hear it, it's all about accepting the state of affairs in your life, acknowledging the consequences of continuing down that path and to start being honest.
So I was and I've been to eight or nine meetings over the past two weeks.
My religion is one of doubt, I want to examine things, turn everything, including my beliefs upside down, shake them and see what comes out. I don't go to meetings for truth, a path or for enlightenment, I go for the stories, for the joy and anguish and for the amazing honesty and compassion of people who have been to hell and back. Many of them to a hell I can only begin to imagine.
I've decided to act rather than just contemplate, to be completely honest - though I'm not running around with a sign that says "I'm an addict" - and to remember that what I'm doing is all good and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
And I've decided to be joyful and optimistic. Yeah. I can actually decide that. I've heard people speak of "positive thinking" for years, but no-one ever seemed to go much beyond the phrase itself.
What is positive thinking?
Well, in my understanding, it's thinking about what to do, instead of what not to do. If I focus on NOT taking drugs, it will take up a lot of time and space in my head and in my life and I don't think I'd feel good through the process. If I think about all the wonderful things I can achieve, how I can go from wrecking things to constructing and caring for my existence and for other people, I will be looking for possibilities on how to evolve, not constantly focusing on the possible pitfalls.
Disclaimer: Is weed good or bad?
I'm 100% aware of all the pros and cons of cannabis and the all the evils of prohibition. There can be little debate that cannabis is a much, much safer drug than ethanol. I believe legalization and some form of control is the only way to go. Fining me or putting me in prison would have done nothing for my addiction, it would only have forced me to become a real criminal.
Without prohibition of cannabis, I don't believe I would have ever used harder drugs, which I did in the distant past, with out getting addicted I might add, but at considerable cost to my sanity and relationships.
I do think the opposite position of the official one is hopelessly naive too. Some people like to postulate that weed is harmless and that you cannot become addicted to it. I beg to differ. But if you can use weed every day and feel great or if you feel fine smoking it every now and then, I'm all for that. It just doesn't work that way for me. In my experience there are some subtle, but very detrimental long-term effects of cannabis.
Maybe you have to smoke lots and lots for extended periods to feel them. That's what I did. And it did actually cause me to become asocial, aggressive, paranoid and afraid of everything. Of course, that may be partly caused by me spending so much time high that I couldn't deal with the challenges of life and allowed them to become problems. The damages of excessive drug use are probably as complex as we are as humans.
I'm going to spend the rest of my Sunday with one of the things I have that I'm infinitely grateful for: my family. Come to think of it, I have so much to be grateful for. I'm going to be focusing on that.
In my next post I'll outline my goals over the next couple of months and how I'll go about achieving them. I'll solicit the help of some of the finest doers of humanity.
The supply had run dry, completely dry. Actually I've been without weed for 17 days because the local dealer got busted. I couldn't find anything, anywhere. I went to bar after bar and all most had my ass kicked twice for asking the wrong people. I even went to a reggae concert without finding anything. Ok, I did find something and almost got in a fight with a Rastafarian because he said he wouldn't sell me any, because it must only be used for sacrament.
Having smoked what was in my keyboard and the residue inside my pipe, I was crawling around on my floor on the second day, looking for leftovers. At that point it became very difficult to convince myself that cannabis was to me like that fine glass of wine or a herbal remedy.
This is where I could start cursing again, maybe beat my self over the head with thoughts of all those wasted hours, people I let down and tasks I left unfinished. But that's exactly what kept me trapped in addiction to begin with. On Sunday, after getting drunk on the weekend, very drunk because I couldn't smoke, I armed myself with $20 and went to the park, looking for the somalis or the punk kids who're usually good for a lump of low-grade, but none the less effective, hashish.
Before going I had checked the Narcotics Anonymous meeting-list and there was a meeting just around the corner. On my way to get high I thought: Hell no and my legs changed direction for me. I remembered that AA serenity prayer, which had always seemed a bit annoying to me, but I tried exchanging the word "God" for "All Buddha's and Bodhisattvas" and I got instant goose bumps and a funny feeling in my stomach.
Now, I'm not saying I had a religious awakening or some sort of revelation, but I went to the meeting and was greeted with that beautiful, rare thing that is human warmth towards strangers.
After hugs and greetings, questions about my brand of addiction and lots of words of encouragement, I got my mandatory cup of coffee and the meeting began. I don't believe in all the AA/NA dogma, but if you scratch the surface of the twelve steps and traditions, there is some truth under it. As I hear it, it's all about accepting the state of affairs in your life, acknowledging the consequences of continuing down that path and to start being honest.
So I was and I've been to eight or nine meetings over the past two weeks.
My religion is one of doubt, I want to examine things, turn everything, including my beliefs upside down, shake them and see what comes out. I don't go to meetings for truth, a path or for enlightenment, I go for the stories, for the joy and anguish and for the amazing honesty and compassion of people who have been to hell and back. Many of them to a hell I can only begin to imagine.
I've decided to act rather than just contemplate, to be completely honest - though I'm not running around with a sign that says "I'm an addict" - and to remember that what I'm doing is all good and I have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
And I've decided to be joyful and optimistic. Yeah. I can actually decide that. I've heard people speak of "positive thinking" for years, but no-one ever seemed to go much beyond the phrase itself.
What is positive thinking?
Well, in my understanding, it's thinking about what to do, instead of what not to do. If I focus on NOT taking drugs, it will take up a lot of time and space in my head and in my life and I don't think I'd feel good through the process. If I think about all the wonderful things I can achieve, how I can go from wrecking things to constructing and caring for my existence and for other people, I will be looking for possibilities on how to evolve, not constantly focusing on the possible pitfalls.
Disclaimer: Is weed good or bad?
I'm 100% aware of all the pros and cons of cannabis and the all the evils of prohibition. There can be little debate that cannabis is a much, much safer drug than ethanol. I believe legalization and some form of control is the only way to go. Fining me or putting me in prison would have done nothing for my addiction, it would only have forced me to become a real criminal.
Without prohibition of cannabis, I don't believe I would have ever used harder drugs, which I did in the distant past, with out getting addicted I might add, but at considerable cost to my sanity and relationships.
I do think the opposite position of the official one is hopelessly naive too. Some people like to postulate that weed is harmless and that you cannot become addicted to it. I beg to differ. But if you can use weed every day and feel great or if you feel fine smoking it every now and then, I'm all for that. It just doesn't work that way for me. In my experience there are some subtle, but very detrimental long-term effects of cannabis.
Maybe you have to smoke lots and lots for extended periods to feel them. That's what I did. And it did actually cause me to become asocial, aggressive, paranoid and afraid of everything. Of course, that may be partly caused by me spending so much time high that I couldn't deal with the challenges of life and allowed them to become problems. The damages of excessive drug use are probably as complex as we are as humans.
I'm going to spend the rest of my Sunday with one of the things I have that I'm infinitely grateful for: my family. Come to think of it, I have so much to be grateful for. I'm going to be focusing on that.
In my next post I'll outline my goals over the next couple of months and how I'll go about achieving them. I'll solicit the help of some of the finest doers of humanity.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Beginnings
It had not been more than a few months after landing a well-paid customer-support job at large corporation that I realized I'd never be content with a desk-job, much less one at a monolithic institution like the one I was stuck at.
Somehow it still took me almost two years to get fired - spectacularly fired. I cannot say I felt bad about it at all. Didn't really feel anything. I only took the job because I was too lazy and stoned to do the things I really want.
That was in April.
I proceeded to waste most of another lovely summer and a considerable amount of money on weed, alcohol and loose women.
- Ok, it was not completely wasted, but not spent in the most constructive way imaginable either.
Ten days ago, I decided to try something else. Not knowing exactly what that something else was, I had to ask myself that universal question: What do I want?
The answer may be boring - it's what everyone wants: Love, a little security and the freedom not to spend the rest of my life staring at a glowing rectangle day in and day out. One can only spend so much time explaining where the start button is and why IE6 is no longer supported.
I want a life, one that makes a little sense. You know, to be someone for other people and actually make myself proud from time to time.
It turns out that what I want takes effort to get. A lot of effort. Fortunately, it seems that doing what I really want is much more gratifying than following my whims and lower instincts. The question is: Can I keep that spirit? I'm sure as hell going to try!
So where do I start?
First obstacle: Getting drunk and high.
I have had this debate with myself a few times. I've always partied too hard, and yet I never really had fun getting drunk or high. Nor do I think the people around me had fun watching it.
I was distracted from the things that mattered the most to me: Every girlfriend I ever loved, every job I ever held and every education I was ever fortunate enough to be accepted into.
F*ck.
That was when I realized that my name is Christian and I'm an addict. Or at least someone who destroys all the good things in life with drugs and alcohol. That is a sound definition of an addict, right? This is where I ended the debate and decided to quit.
That was ten days ago.
I feel great now and I have from the first day. For the first time in months, I feel free. Apart from a few sleepless nights and just one angry outburst, I have been spared the worst withdrawal pangs.
I don't mean to preach. I'm sure you're part of the lucky majority that handles alcohol and the occational spliff without a hitch. If so, more power to you.
I'm not. Things seem to turn to sh*t when I get high and/or drunk.
This is my story. The story of a scrawny, pale, weed-smoking, couch-hugging underachiever changing into something else.
I invite you to follow me on my journey. I cannot tell you what lies ahead, but I promise you:
I welcome you to share your thoughts, experiences and ideas with me. I'll answer any questions - though I cannot guarantee the answer will not be "none of your business".
My next post will be on how I made the final decision to quit, how I did it and how I'm doing it day by day, keeping the promise to myself. I'm not really considering failure an option, but I'm very aware of the dangers and pitfalls and consequences of going back to active addiction: oblivion.
In my coming posts I will focus on a few realistic, although ambitious goals, and how I'm going about achieving them. I'll tell you all about me and get into topics such as spirituality, diet, exercise, the science of drugs and addiction and public policy. Later I'll get into my hobbies and professional life: Photography, journalism, world affairs, philosophy, science and religious studies.
I can't begin to describe the optimism and drive I feel right now. And it's all genuine, no drugs, no medication. Just the feeling of having a crushing weight lifted from my shoulders: I don't have to wonder whether or not I should quit drugs and alcohol. I've made my decision.
Finally I can start living without the ball and chain that is addiction.
Somehow it still took me almost two years to get fired - spectacularly fired. I cannot say I felt bad about it at all. Didn't really feel anything. I only took the job because I was too lazy and stoned to do the things I really want.
That was in April.
I proceeded to waste most of another lovely summer and a considerable amount of money on weed, alcohol and loose women.
- Ok, it was not completely wasted, but not spent in the most constructive way imaginable either.
Ten days ago, I decided to try something else. Not knowing exactly what that something else was, I had to ask myself that universal question: What do I want?
The answer may be boring - it's what everyone wants: Love, a little security and the freedom not to spend the rest of my life staring at a glowing rectangle day in and day out. One can only spend so much time explaining where the start button is and why IE6 is no longer supported.
I want a life, one that makes a little sense. You know, to be someone for other people and actually make myself proud from time to time.
It turns out that what I want takes effort to get. A lot of effort. Fortunately, it seems that doing what I really want is much more gratifying than following my whims and lower instincts. The question is: Can I keep that spirit? I'm sure as hell going to try!
So where do I start?
First obstacle: Getting drunk and high.
I have had this debate with myself a few times. I've always partied too hard, and yet I never really had fun getting drunk or high. Nor do I think the people around me had fun watching it.
I was distracted from the things that mattered the most to me: Every girlfriend I ever loved, every job I ever held and every education I was ever fortunate enough to be accepted into.
F*ck.
That was when I realized that my name is Christian and I'm an addict. Or at least someone who destroys all the good things in life with drugs and alcohol. That is a sound definition of an addict, right? This is where I ended the debate and decided to quit.
That was ten days ago.
I feel great now and I have from the first day. For the first time in months, I feel free. Apart from a few sleepless nights and just one angry outburst, I have been spared the worst withdrawal pangs.
I don't mean to preach. I'm sure you're part of the lucky majority that handles alcohol and the occational spliff without a hitch. If so, more power to you.
I'm not. Things seem to turn to sh*t when I get high and/or drunk.
This is my story. The story of a scrawny, pale, weed-smoking, couch-hugging underachiever changing into something else.
I invite you to follow me on my journey. I cannot tell you what lies ahead, but I promise you:
- Honesty.
- Openness.
- Dedication. Hard work.
- Humor. Dark humor, insane humor, bad humor, encouraging humor.
- Adventures. Lots of adventures.
I welcome you to share your thoughts, experiences and ideas with me. I'll answer any questions - though I cannot guarantee the answer will not be "none of your business".
My next post will be on how I made the final decision to quit, how I did it and how I'm doing it day by day, keeping the promise to myself. I'm not really considering failure an option, but I'm very aware of the dangers and pitfalls and consequences of going back to active addiction: oblivion.
In my coming posts I will focus on a few realistic, although ambitious goals, and how I'm going about achieving them. I'll tell you all about me and get into topics such as spirituality, diet, exercise, the science of drugs and addiction and public policy. Later I'll get into my hobbies and professional life: Photography, journalism, world affairs, philosophy, science and religious studies.
I can't begin to describe the optimism and drive I feel right now. And it's all genuine, no drugs, no medication. Just the feeling of having a crushing weight lifted from my shoulders: I don't have to wonder whether or not I should quit drugs and alcohol. I've made my decision.
Finally I can start living without the ball and chain that is addiction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
